You Know You Might Be a Moderate If…

This is the last installment in our You Know You Might Be a (Fill in the Blank) If series. If you missed Parts 1 and 2, don’t forget to read:

You know you might be a moderate if you:

  • Are part of the undecided vote in every poll.
  • Wish you could vote by remote control so you wouldn’t have to miss a minute of Real Housewives of Cincinnati.
  • Only vote every third election, regardless of what kind of election it is or what kinds of initiatives are on the ballot.
  • Know so little about candidates that you vote for whoever appears at the top of the ballot.
  • Still vote for Pat Paulson just to piss off the real politicians.
  • You think the three branches of government are dumb, dumber, and dumbest.
  • You think Supreme Court decisions are based on rationality or fairness rather than the Constitution.
  • You think Congress sucks, but every time you see something screwed up you say, “There oughta be a law…”
  • You think that voters can vote on the constitutionality of laws.
  • Vote the way the last campaign worker outside the polls told you to.
  • Will only cast your vote if it doesn’t “cancel out” your spouse’s.
  • Find punch card ballots advanced technology.
  • Think all out war is justifiable until you find out how many people get killed and how much it costs.
  • You watch Katie Couric, Brian Williams, or Jay Leno for all your news.
  • Don’t watch the Daily Show because you don’t get the jokes.
  • Don’t realize the Daily Show is a comedy show.
  • Can’t drive a stick shift.
  • Love the in-depth articles in USA Today.
  • Are for something before you are against something, right after you were for it and against it simultaneously.
  • Are annoyed that ballots aren’t in multiple choice format.
  • Don’t know who Sarah Palin is.
  • When you find out who she is, you think you could vote for her because she has an honest face.
  • Think taxes are too high while voting for high-ticket ballot initiatives.
  • Don’t understand why they haven’t been able to find that Osama Bin Laden fella after all these years.
  • Don’t recognize the names Mitch McConnell, Harry Reid, or Nancy Pelosi, but can name all the judges and contestants to ever appear on So You Think You Can Dance.
  • Were going to vote, but hadn’t heard about it being election day.
  • Complain vociferously about policies and elected officials while ignoring the fact you didn’t vote.
  • Believe in term limits so you won’t have to vote as often.
  • Hate it when a Presidential address comes on and “ruins my shows”.
  • You carry more than $25,000 on your credit card and don’t understand how long it will take to pay it off in minimum payments.
  • You think the answer to paying off the debt on one credit card can be reduced by transferring it all to a new credit card with a 0.1% lower APR.
  • Can’t balance a checkbook (although this could also be equally true for liberals and conservatives).
  • Think war is imminent when a story appears saying the Pentagon has a war plan for invading North Korea without realizing they have constantly updated plans for every country on Earth…including Canada.
  • Think the mainstream media is too liberal.
  • Think the mainstream media is too conservative.
  • Think the mainstream media is both too conservative and too liberal at the same time.
  • Don’t know what the terms liberal and conservative mean.
  • Never read newspapers, magazines, or watch the news.
  • Complain Congress is made up of fat cats while voting for CEOs whose previous experience was turning their former companies into smoking holes in the ground while collecting a severance package greater than the GDP of Guatemala.
  • Complain about unions while taking time off from your 40-hour a week job to get company-supplied medical treatment for the black lung and crushed leg you got in a non-union coal mine.
  • Complain about executive compensation, but follow the company’s voting recommendation when the proxy statement for your 3 shares of AT&T shows up.
  • Thought Ted Stevens gave an enlightening explanation of the tubes and trucks that make up the Internet.
  • Spend a lot of time playing war-based video games while being undecided about Iraq and Afghanistan.
  • Couldn’t form an opinion if your life depended on it.
  • Don’t remember to mail in your absentee ballot until 3 months after the election after finding it in the junk drawer in your kitchen.
  • Appreciate the points from both right and left, but can’t vote because the positions seem so similar.
  • Think all Congressional votes are based on a simple majority.

 

 

 

Tags: Harry Reid, Mitch McConnell, moderate, Nancy Pelosi, Osama Bin Laden, Pat Paulson, Politics, Supreme Court of the United States, Ted Stevens, voting, Vote, Vote (all tags)

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