Why Newt Gingrich Won't Be President

Cenk Uygur on Newt Gingrich officially announcing that he's running for president in 2012.

 

Lawmakers Consider Alternative Plan to Break Budget Impasse

Washington – Details of a secret Congressional plan to break the long-standing deadlock in budget negotiations leaked out Thursday. US lawmakers are considering the use of an unorthodox method favored by the Kyrgyzstani Parliament – sacrificial sheep.

Although Kyrgyzstanis use it for banishing the twin devils of ethnic strife and revolution, Kyrgyzstani oil lobbyist Zhogorku Kenesh said the ritual could be redesigned for US budget purposes for as little as KGS 7 billion Kyrgyzstani som and an arranged lesbian marriage of President Obama’s eldest daughter Malia Ann Obama to Kyrgyz President Roza Otunbayeva.

The initial proposal, offered by Republicans, called for 6 sheep to be slaughtered and placed on a huge altar recently dedicated at the Ronald Reagan Presidential Library and Museum in Simi Valley, CA. However, the proposal immediately met resistance from members of the Republican’s own Christian conservative wing.

“We’re not so bothered by the pagan ritual – after all, it’s for debt reduction and tax incentives for conservative Christian churches – but slaughtering 6 sheep is totally unacceptable,” said Bryan Fischer, Director of Issues Analysis for the American Family Association.

666, The Mark of The Beast
“The number 6 is an important, symbolic number for Christians. It constitutes one-third of the dangerous mark of the beast, 666. By allowing this number of the Muslim devils in this most unholiest of ways, we are inviting doom and total annihilation by one-third of the Islamic radical empire,” Fischer said.

In order to save the fledgling compromise, Sen. Harry Reed (D-Asslandia) stepped forward with a proposal to raise the number of sheep to be slaugtered to 7. However, Tea Party activists in the Republican caucus killed the idea.

The Partiers insist on cutting the sheep budget by 99% and the abolishment of President Obama’s signature health care bill. According to the Republican Institute of Financial Analysis, the sheep cut alone would erase the Federal deficit within 90 days. Republican officials described the Institute’s findings as, “very insightful”.

“We have to watch out for this sort of insidious attack on our freedoms,” said Congresswoman Michele Bachmann (R-Moronohoma). “First we’ll be required to sacrifice sheep every evening before dinner and once lulled by the aroma of the devilish flesh, carted off to concentration camps operated by the socialist Federal Emergency Management Agency.”

Liberals were equally disappointed with the plan. Broadcaster Rachel Maddow, speaking on condition of anonymity on her news show, floated the idea that all sheep be supplied by local, humane farms that do not use hormones on their animals.

Maddow Touts Sacrificial Celery
“I’m vegetarian, so I’d prefer they sacrifice stalks of celery myself. However, I advocate bipartisanship with those asswipes over at the RNC,” she added. “Anything to make those skeevy bastards look bad.”

Further problems are expected from a Republican-sponsored rider to the bill. Called the “Rich People Are Better Than You Act”, it requires most of the leftover carcasses be distributed to the Top 0.999% of wage earners, along with a $356,000 tax credit just because.

Democrats object to the best meat going to the wealthy, wool-clad elite while only the offal, eyes, and tail are promised to the bottom taxpayers.

The Republican plan calls for middle-income families to pay a 37% tax on all orders of lamb chops or rack of lamb served at the haute Chez Panisse in Berkeley, CA. Democrats also expect Republicans to cut the entitlement after its passage and repossess the sheep parts when low-income families default on their orvis aries windfall. The low-income families will likely be taxed an Offal Abatement Fee of about 69% to cover the costs of removing the left over pig.

With the new proposal already on bumpy footing, Republican lawmakers have called for Newt Gingrich to mediate the ongoing disputes.

“Newt’s the perfect man for the job. Very fair. A very learned man. And, he’s a hell of a Republican,” said House Majority Leader Eric Cantor (R-Sheep Sexingville, VA).

“Not partial in what so any way, except in his strong American belief in the truth,” Cantor added.

Cross posted at The Omnipotent Poobah Speaks!

 

The Woes of Newt Gingrich

Via Politico

Newt Gingrich raised a meager $53,000 into his political action committee in the first three months of the year, highlighting potential fundraising difficulties as the former House Speaker girds for a campaign for the GOP presidential nomination.

Gingrich has raised tens of millions in huge donations into American Solutions for Winning the Future, a so-called 527 committee outside the purview of the Federal Election Commission, allowing him to build a robust political operation that has kept him in the spotlight as he flirted with a White House bid.

But his presidential campaign would not be able to accept such large contributions and would instead be restricted to limited hard money donations of $2,500 per individual — half as much as the $5,000-per-individual maximum contributions that can be accepted each year by his leadership political action committee, American Solutions PAC.

Not surprising. He doesn't poll well among non-conservatives and while he is spending considerable time and energy reaching out to social conservatives - his core campaign theme is that "America is in danger of becoming a secular atheist nation" - he's not getting through. It's not that social conservatives disagree with the twice divorced, thrice married former Speaker of the House, Newt's flaws are fairly self-evident. When it comes to Newt's presidential aspirations, social conservatives don't find fault with the message but with the messenger.

His other problem is that others say, Rep. Michelle Bachmann, former Senator Rick Santorum and pizza millionaire Herman Cain, say pretty much the same thing and they don't have the hypocrisy baggage.

I don't see Newt getting past South Carolina after faring poorly in both Iowa and New Hampshire.

The Woes of Newt Gingrich

Via Politico

Newt Gingrich raised a meager $53,000 into his political action committee in the first three months of the year, highlighting potential fundraising difficulties as the former House Speaker girds for a campaign for the GOP presidential nomination.

Gingrich has raised tens of millions in huge donations into American Solutions for Winning the Future, a so-called 527 committee outside the purview of the Federal Election Commission, allowing him to build a robust political operation that has kept him in the spotlight as he flirted with a White House bid.

But his presidential campaign would not be able to accept such large contributions and would instead be restricted to limited hard money donations of $2,500 per individual — half as much as the $5,000-per-individual maximum contributions that can be accepted each year by his leadership political action committee, American Solutions PAC.

Not surprising. He doesn't poll well among non-conservatives and while he is spending considerable time and energy reaching out to social conservatives - his core campaign theme is that "America is in danger of becoming a secular atheist nation" - he's not getting through. It's not that social conservatives disagree with the twice divorced, thrice married former Speaker of the House, Newt's flaws are fairly self-evident. When it comes to Newt's presidential aspirations, social conservatives don't find fault with the message but with the messenger.

His other problem is that others say, Rep. Michelle Bachmann, former Senator Rick Santorum and pizza millionaire Herman Cain, say pretty much the same thing and they don't have the hypocrisy baggage.

I don't see Newt getting past South Carolina after faring poorly in both Iowa and New Hampshire.

The Woes of Newt Gingrich

Via Politico

Newt Gingrich raised a meager $53,000 into his political action committee in the first three months of the year, highlighting potential fundraising difficulties as the former House Speaker girds for a campaign for the GOP presidential nomination.

Gingrich has raised tens of millions in huge donations into American Solutions for Winning the Future, a so-called 527 committee outside the purview of the Federal Election Commission, allowing him to build a robust political operation that has kept him in the spotlight as he flirted with a White House bid.

But his presidential campaign would not be able to accept such large contributions and would instead be restricted to limited hard money donations of $2,500 per individual — half as much as the $5,000-per-individual maximum contributions that can be accepted each year by his leadership political action committee, American Solutions PAC.

Not surprising. He doesn't poll well among non-conservatives and while he is spending considerable time and energy reaching out to social conservatives - his core campaign theme is that "America is in danger of becoming a secular atheist nation" - he's not getting through. It's not that social conservatives disagree with the twice divorced, thrice married former Speaker of the House, Newt's flaws are fairly self-evident. When it comes to Newt's presidential aspirations, social conservatives don't find fault with the message but with the messenger.

His other problem is that others say, Rep. Michelle Bachmann, former Senator Rick Santorum and pizza millionaire Herman Cain, say pretty much the same thing and they don't have the hypocrisy baggage.

I don't see Newt getting past South Carolina after faring poorly in both Iowa and New Hampshire.

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